It’s 2 AM.
I’m staring at a blurry computer screen with blood-shot eyes. I am wide awake because I cannot stop crying long enough to breathe evenly. I am wide awake because I cannot shake the thoughts that I was not good enough; that I am not good enough.
Cheating is a different kind of broken heart. Cheating is a choice — a fully intentional, shameful choice. It is a choice to respond to her drunk text, it is a choice to say those words to her, it is a choice to lead her on, it is a choice to choose her over me. It is a choice without any regard to my heart.
No matter my prior confidence, no matter what I knew and what I was sure of, his actions made me feel not good enough. So much so that I doubt myself; I believe horrible things about myself. I wonder what I could have done differently, what makes her better than me, what I did that made you need her.
He cheated but I feel like the bad guy. I feel dirty and worthless and unwanted. It does not matter if I thought he was the one or was just having fun, cheating destroys you. His choice, his decision to choose her over me, destroyed my sense of security, my ideas about love, and everything I thought I knew.
I cringe and cry to realize it was all a lie. I question every thing you ever said, every date, every compliment, every kind gesture, every time we were ever together. To realize someone I loved thought so little of me.
I question everything you ever said, everything you ever did. I doubt that you ever really loved me and I, therefore, cannot comprehend why you chose to make me believe you did.
I am constantly torn between wondering how you can live with yourself knowing how you made someone who cared about you feel so bad and wondering how I can live with myself knowing I let this happen.
I cannot help but to blame myself. Should I have left you before you had the opportunity? Should I have said something when I felt uncomfortable? Should I have stopped trying so hard to be a good girlfriend and stand up for myself? Where did I go wrong? How did I push you to thus decision?
Cheating made me question everything I ever thought I knew about relationships and commitment. As cliché as it may sound, I truly struggle to trust men now. I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. I have no desire to open up or care about a man again. I truly believe it can lead nowhere but to disappointment and to heartbreak. I may never be able to be confident in my trust of a man around other females, and what man wants that or deserves that?
No matter how hard I try, I cannot change my mind of the belief that a man can never care about me. That a guy can never truly want just me. That a man will be genuine and honest in his intentions, his words, or his actions.
It burns to my chore and it physically weighs on my heart to remember the awful things you told her about me; the intimate details meant for only your ears that she now knows; the drunk phone call that should have gone to your girlfriend but instead dialed to her. I suffer countless times each time I remember your actions or have a thought of you and her.
Cheating was your decision, and while I am grateful you did so that I was able to realize the scumbag you are and needed to get away from, it is no longer my choice how I feel. You took that from me. You took my trust, my confidence, and my ability to love when you lied to cover up your decision to choose her over me.
Writing by Reid Stillwagoner