This 7-step guide will bring back the wow (and the love) to your sex life!
Keeping the sexual intimacy alive in a marriage is a choice and requires some work.
As a certified clinical sexologist, I help couples rediscover sexual intimacy and enjoy sex in marriage in fun, playful, and loving ways. Anyone can have “hot sex”, but not everyone can have hot intimate sex, or “making love.”
The exchange of intimate touch, kissing, hugging, and caressing are all parts of intimacy.
This does not just relate to sex, but rather, to what goes on outside of the bedroom.
Men and women view intimacy differently, thus creating a problem in the marriage. Intimacy in marriage is about a husband and a wife connecting through an intimate exchange—a kiss, hug, intimate words, a special look, holding hands, or even sitting next to each other watching television.
When couples gain a better understanding of how to create this intimacy—inside AND outside of the bedroom—they strengthen the bond in the marriage.
Intimacy in marriage is that special relationship between a husband and a wife, and the love and passion they share with one another. Taking steps to put the intimacy back is a process, but one that is worth the effort.
Your marriage comes before anything else, and making time for it is a priority. Couples must understand that finding quality time to spend with each other alone every week strengthens the bond of the marriage and make it special.
I recommend my clients start with the intimate exchange of face-touching. This exercise is about getting to know each other again on an intimate level. The exercise can bring about unexpected emotional exchanges that many couples they have not felt in years.
Sex is not a duty in marriage, nor should it ever feel like one!
Here are 7 steps you must take as a couple to boost your sexual intimacy.
1. Take turns initiating
This is the most effective way of working on the intimacy in the marriage. Each spouse is responsible for initiating the exercise equally, taking turns being in control of setting up the evening.
Start with the face-touching exercise, in which one spouse touches the other spouse’s face, hair, lips, and ears. The person touching does this for their own pleasure, while the person being touched is the willing participant. There is no talking during the exercise.
After you complete the exercise, it is important to spend time talking about how it felt.
2. Plan two days with intimate touching
When I’m working with couples, we will talk about how the exchange in step one felt. I then recommend step two, where strong emotions are sometimes brought to the surface. It’s good to seek help if you had strong emotions during step one, or were not able to complete the exercise.
Step two, which I refer to as home assignments, is to plan two days where one person is in charge and touching for their pleasure, while the other person is the willing participant. It’s very important to take turns initiating these exercises.
Have your spouse lay on his or her stomach, naked with the back exposed. The spouse in charge is to touch the body with hands and lips, softly touching and getting to know the other person’s body. No talking or touching between the legs; this is not sexual exercise.
Connect with your spouse when touching them by concentrating on how their skin, hair, muscles, and shape of body feel. When you finish the exercise, talk about it. Tell each other a positive thing you liked about it.
3. Create a date night
Intimate conversation between a man and a wife can have a very profound impact on the sexual excitement in the bedroom. As you do the face-touching exercise and then the back exercise, also set up a date night for the two of you to enjoy together.
Talk to one another about what you want to do to turn each other on, what pleases you, and how you can please your spouse. The point of this exercise is to create desire for one another and keep the passion going.
Intimacy between spouses is what each partner makes of it. It’s both the husband and wife’s responsibility to create intimate time for each other.
Marriage is about taking responsibility for what part each partner plays and how each will contribute to the relationship. There are reasons why spouses cheat, marriages end in divorce, and why one or both spouses forget intimacy with one another. Taking turns and not putting it on one spouse can save your marriage.
Keep the sex passionate in your marriage for a lifetime by taking the time to do these exercises.
4. Increase sensual touching
After completing steps one and two, along with date night, you are ready for step four.
This is the exercise where you lay on your back with your stomach and front exposed. The same rules apply as before. Take turns with sensual touching (not sexual touching), remembering that the person touching is doing it for their pleasure. Again, you can use hands and lips while light-touching and caressing to get in touch with your spouse.
These exercises make you aware of your spouse’s reaction when touching them, feeling the exchange of energy between the two of you. This is why it’s important to talk about the experience after the exercise and tell your spouse what you liked.
Touch is an amazing way to connect with another person, and in many ways, is more effective than talking. You break down more walls of hurt and past pain than simply rehashing old feelings.
Always be mindful of your spouse when touching them. If you notice they are uncomfortable, stop and touch somewhere else; then, talk about the exchange after the exercise.
5. Now, slowly add sexual intimacy
You should only start step five if you complete the first four steps, you each have a better understanding of each other’s bodies, and both spouses are ready to move forward. All the steps taken prior were to create intimacy; step five is to add in the sexual intimacy … slowly.
The same rules apply where each partner takes turns initiating the assignment. Start off this assignment by kissing your spouse, feeling their lips, tasting them, and exchanging passionate kissing. Chemicals release during kissing and stimulates the mind to send powerful messages to the entire body.
After kissing your partner, put yourself in a sitting up position in the bed with the other spouse behind you. The spouse behind you is the one initiating the touch, a touch that should have a more sensual feel to it.
Start the touching and kissing at the top of the head, face, and neck, working down the body and softly caressing the chest or breasts, stomach, thighs, and legs. Take the time to feel the other person getting aroused, and listen to breathing, moaning, or even laughing.
When venturing between the legs (for both male and female), use gentle touch, taking time to explore in a soft, loving way. This is not about bringing the person to climax or turning it into a sexual experience.
If arousal and natural climax happens, it’s fine, but it’s not the purpose of the exercise. When the exercise is over talk about it with each other.
6. Explore each other’s bodies with love
After completing the first five steps, you are now ready to move onto step 6: exploring each other’s bodies more intimately. Again, the rules still apply with taking turns and touching the other person for your pleasure.
This step is about stimulation and a greater understanding of your spouse’s erotic zones. This exercise is not only about sensual touch, but teasing and having fun with your partner. Taking control of another person’s sexual pleasure should also be exciting and pleasing to you.
Explore with fingers, mouth, or even body parts of the other person’s body. Kiss the entire body, including genitals and breasts, taking time to touch and tease. Watch as your spouse (and you) becomes aroused.
In this step, you are also allowed to bring your partner to climax, but not through intercourse. You can do this by touching, sucking, licking, caressing, or even a sex toy.
7. Finally, you’re ready for actual intercourse
After completing all steps above, with the same rules applying, you can now move towards intercourse if you are ready. Often, when I’m working with couples, they want to learn more once they achieve a better understanding of each other’s bodies.
Taking turns with each other can become fun, creating a scene, role play, setting up the room, or preparing a special evening. The act of intercourse becomes less of the main event and more of the sex play.
When taking the time to make sex better in your marriage, it’s always important to understand that this is your spouse—a person you love and committed to for life.
Sexual intimacy is a huge part of marriage and without it the marriage it will suffer. Take the time to work on the marriage and create a deeper, more loving bond between husband and wife.
For couples interested in advanced sexual intimacy advice and want to explore more options of sex play, you can contact me for an appointment.